Growing up my brother was always my hero. He stayed in Las Vegas when my family and I moved away for college. One of my favorite things to do was visit him as I was growing up. I always dreamed of living with him.

I told my Dad I wanted to move back to Clarksville, TN after this semester. I finished high school there, my best friends are there. I want to live there again, UT isn’t home. He thinks Clarksville is a bad place for me (which I understand considering how much stupid shit I did back in high school). I think I’ve grown up and would be fine there, and happier than I am here.

So how does my father counter? By offering my brother and I a 200 thousand dollar condo in Vegas to live. I would have a job and could take a semester off of school. He would rather have me living in Vegas than in Clarksville. I find that funny.

So now that I have gotten what I always thought would be the proposal of a lifetime, I find the decision much harder to make than I previously expected. I miss the people in Clarksville all too much, I want to live there. My parents don’t live there anymore, but I have closer friends there than I ever thought I would have. Also, I knew I could come back and visit my friends at UT if I stayed in Clarksville.

How do I say goodbye to UT friends and Clarksville friends for Vegas? I love my brother more than anything, I want to live with him. It would be a smart life decision.

I’m just really fucking sick of having to say goodbye.

The hard decisions just keep coming. I’m not sure how I feel about this growing up thing anymore.

Or rather I lived there from when I was 11 until I was 15. But I still call it home. My brother still lives there.

My older brother didn't hang out with me until he was a senior in high school. I was in the 7th grade at the time. He and his friends were the only people I hung out with, I didn't have any friends my age. Some of his friends were in a band.

This band followed me throughout my adolescence as a form of therapy. I grew up listening to them. Every aspect of my life for the past 5 years had something to do with this band.

Not obsession, just love.

The band was called September Star when I first met them playing at Smoothie Kings when they were 17 years old. They got signed and changed their name to The Higher (September Star was apparently too high schoolish for fiddler records).

There are a few reasons I love this band so much:

1. They are good people and even better friends.
2. They make good music.
3. Only two of the members have ever had a job, most were high school dropouts, hell the lead singer got disowned when he got his GED and left to go tour. Now they are number on TRL in Japan. They've been on cross country tours multiple times, been to Europe for a month of touring and of course Japan.

They followed their dreams of making music for the world. No one thought they would make it. And they did.

Its unfortunate the only 2 members of the original 5 are in it anymore.

And that makes me sad.

My two favorite kinds of music are completely opposite of each other.

There's a saying that goes along the lines of "You can learn a lot about a person by the kind of music they listen to."

To understand, listen to these two bands first:

http://www.myspace.com/playradioplay
http://www.myspace.com/owlcity

Then listen to these two bands second:

http://www.myspace.com/whitechapelmetal
http://www.myspace.com/iwrestledabearonce

Now going along with the quote above, what does this tell you about me?

Maybe I listen to electro because I'm a pothead and I listen to metal because I hate the world.

Maybe not.

You take your pick.

P.S. I fell in love with a girl I've never met because she can growl. This is her:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=15652198

I'm kinda weird in case you didn't notice.

Am I doing well in my classes? Am I going to be able to stay at UT? What happens if I fail? Where would I go? What would I do? My father wouldn't support me anymore. I would have no where to go.

And that scares me, because in all honesty I'm not a very good student. I may be smart enough to do well in all my classes but I rarely apply myself, and thats my problem.

I passed one class last semester, thats right, only one. I was an idiot and didn't care about anything but having fun at college. I messed up royally and now I have to do extremely well to keep my scholarship and stay here.

Lets hope I can do it, because I really have no where else to go.

No wonder I wake up in a panic.

Infatuation.

Noun.
1. A foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration.
2. Temporary love of an adolescent. [syn: puppy love]
3. An object of extravagant short-lived passion.


Can anyone really love young? I never thought I would experience real love until I was older, when I was out of college and ready to start a family.

I was wrong... maybe.

In all honesty I don't know if it is love. I just know that moving away from that person has caused me more pain and sorrow than I ever expected. Long distance relationships don't work... right?

I broke it off with my girlfriend of six months when I moved to UT. My thought process was I would find someone new and that the distance in the relationship would eventually destroy it.

I regret that decision more than I could ever describe in words.

I'm not sure if its love.

But I do know I'm completely infatuated.

What is home? Is home where your parents are? Or is it where your heart is? Or maybe its just where you live...

I have no home. My parents live in San Diego, my best friend lives in Clarksville, TN, my brother who means the world to me lives in Las Vegas, and I live in little ol' Hess Hall.

As much as I know it is time for me to move on with my life and start being an adult, it's scary. I'm so far from everything I love and at times I feel extremely overwhelmed.

I guess its time for me to man up huh?

Lets see where this goes.

2007 was completely insane for me.

I fell in love. I fell out of love. I broke hearts. I had my heart broken. I graduated from high school. I started my college career. I said goodbye to my best friends only to find new ones. I started living on my own. I learned to adapt to a foreign world, a world where I was in complete control of my own destiny. I sat in a gazebo for countless hours gazing at the grass with my lovers. I watched a building cry. I saw a parade consisting of a thousand sorority girls pass by and watched Rob play the harmonica for them (One of you is cute, fight amongst yourselves). I learned the definition of the word "tool". I wore an orange jumpsuit in a concrete cell for two days. I found peace with myself. I saw six kegs, twenty bottles of liquor, 400 jello shots and two coolers of hunch punch disappear in one night to the sounds of Daft Punk (and yes, I danced my ass off thank you). I realized that everything that bothered me during high school is of no importance at all. I learned that my parents are truly my best friends, and that all the time I spent wanting to get away from them was idiotic. I realized I dwell far too much on the past, instead of looking ahead. I learned that UTK is paradise. I made my fair share of mistakes, only to rise again. I realized that electronic music is the best kind of music. I learned that getting drunk after not sleeping for 48 hours causes you to pass out in strange places (thank goodness for good friends). I wished upon a shooting star only to get stabbed in the back for it. I watched the sunset on the beach with my father and realized that life really isn't all bad. I gained a brother and a sister from other families that I will never let go of. Clouds have talked to me and R2D2 and I have had long conversations. I allied myself with the squirells in their timeless battle against the birds. I had forgotten what the word sober meant, and then realized that sobriety isn't such a bad thing. I learned that my brother gives better advice than anyone on the planet. I learned my heart will always be on the west coast, no matter what. I learned that love, and only love, makes the world go around. I gained a core group of friends that make me feel like I am at the top of the world, and I would gladly give my life for any of them. I learned that capitalism and alcoholism are only seperated by a small bridge. I grew as a person more than I had in the previous 18 years. I finally found out how to make Sean Kane happy. I started my life.